You Never Can Have Enough Pens
©1995 Andrew Calhoun, this recording 2018
The only universal themes left that are original, are extremely trivial ones.
The last verse gets the biggest laugh. Except with UK audiences, who are mortified.
Chorus:
You never can have enough pens,
You never can have enough pens;
No matter which way in life your path wends,
You never can have enough pens.
My granddaddy used fountain pens,
And my daddy, refillable ballpoint pens;
And I'm telling you twice, if you want my advice,
You never can have enough pens.
There's things you'd hate to lose more than pens,
Things you'd hate to lose more than pens;
Your life, your family, a contact lens,
But you never can have enough pens.
And you might drive a Mercedes Benz,
Have a view of the Boston Fens;
Have a fabulous figure, like Sophia Loren's,
But you never can have enough pens.
Chorus
Now if you go into business sometime,
Maybe selling antiques of some kind;
Choose a company logo, with a look from long ago,
Imprinted right there on the spine.
And I hope that your business does well,
Go bankrupt, hey, what the hell!
Sell off your equipment, but keep that last shipment,
That humongous order of pens.
Chorus
Now if you're wondering how to spell "pen,"
If you're wondering how to spell "pen";
Well, it's like the word "penis", with no "is" on the end,
If you're wondering how to spell "pen".
And you never can have enough pens,
You never can have enough pens;
There's stipends and pig pens, but whatever happens,
You never can have enough,
Jump up and grab enough,
Flag down a cab enough pens.